i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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