dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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