I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
