If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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