I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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