Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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