Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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