I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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