Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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