I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
