I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
