if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize