I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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