$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I will be naked everywhere
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
