My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
