I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
