he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
