I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
