Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i think im in europe. pls send help
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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