i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
