I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sext me about skeletons
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
