Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
