I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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