after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Use "feeling words"
Yay
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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