You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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