so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
