So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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