just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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