I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
