Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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