I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize