I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
