Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
