Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize