Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
this hospital has no fireball
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
