the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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