remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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