Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Congratulations! We have a period
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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