i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
