I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
