Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
