So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
