she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
