just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
They have beer where we have blood.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
