my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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