Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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