you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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