my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The air was thick with penises
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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