Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize