There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need to sanitize my soul.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
