A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
