I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
