Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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