Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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