I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
