My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
