The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
