You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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