his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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