Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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