is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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