I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
