Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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