I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
