I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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