My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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