we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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