i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
