I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
