My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize